Foreplay is necessary: Hey it’s important to emphasize that for every time I come off like I actually think I’m better than someone else I’m more than certainly to compensate by laying bare the fruits of my own self-made wreckage. I don’t get to kill the world’s hate with my hate. At least I haven’t found a way yet, which is good cause that would justify my brand of hate and make me think I’m better than anyone else. Also if there are few things I actively dodge it’s being clichéd, so I wanna think if I was so righteous then I wouldn’t be dropping semi-regular emo mics on the internet.
- I. Apocalonging – 05/20 – 06/20: This Climaxes With Pure Pain Radioactive (10)
- I. Apocalonging – 06/20 – 07/20: Emptiness Empathy Exorcism (6)
- I. Apocalonging – 07/20 – 07/20 A: The rest of ODC (10)
- I. Apocalonging – 07/20 – 07/20 B: Post-Exorcism (3)
- I.V Aftermath – 07/20 – 12/20 (27)
- II. Restoring dreams (13)
- II.V. Days to desolation (9)
- III. The whole damngod thing (12)
- IV. We dare you not to feel (12)
Surprise
https://brokenpencil.com/canzine/online-canzines-double-bill-of-lo-fi-canadian-epics/ Online Canzine’s Double Bill of Lo-Fi Canadian Epics! Join us on May 5th at 6 pm EST for a double bill of lo-fi Canadian Epics. Broken Pencil and Online Canzine in association with The Laser Blast Film Society and Gold Ninja Video present a special online double bill of DUEL ON THE RIVER and OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO. Tune in at: https://www.twitch.tv/brokenpencilmag
Gloomy day gloomy single
From the physical media re-release of the OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO + The Rest Of OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO records, exclusively handed out at screenings. This track had been haunting me for the longest time, and I was never content with how it turned out on the initial The Rest Of OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO release. So I…
Insomniac Dreams
Written way-on-the-nose to “Pictures of You” and “Out of This World” by The Cure. To every beautiful-ass amazing-ass badass person who came to Insomniac’s screening of Open Doom Crescendo at Eyesore Cinema—I am forever grateful, humbled, and moved. Tell everyone you can. Forget about me—this kind of creative giving (n.) that you give (v.) life…
Insomniac presents
Thursday 13 April 7pm @ Eyesore Cinema 1176 Bloor W. in TORONTO cause yknow mtl is figuring itself out Try to take at least the morning shift of Friday off to existentially recover/process.
Artist Perspective Panel Discussion
This is substantially pretty unwatchable but y’all kept requesting it. tl;dr
5-alive years later
5-alive years since the only two programmers on planet earth who’d enable me did enable me, and to this day I’ve yet to make worthwhile all the collateral existentialism they’ve endured for giving me a screen. Since then I’ve only made increasingly inaccessible work, making my barely-programmable first feature that they bet on look mainstream…
Happy New Year
Written to David Bowie’s “I Know It’s Gonna Happen Someday” A Lunar New Year’s greeting from your local hero nihilist: Another year of heartwarmth and heartbreak await. They await equally contradictorily. They arrive with their tongues in each other’s mouths. But I don’t know why it feels different this year. No No I do, to…
Dead Fathers & Outsider Art
Nearing two months later and his demise feels like an already distant memory yet immediately accessible traumatic event, the latter of which I will indulge in therapeutically graphic detail so content warning. My close bonds had encouraged me to at once feel as sad as I needed, but also all the necessary resentment. So until…
To everyone
1 I shall first demonstrate how far I’ve come—exhibiting my last down-on-myself contemplation from sometime earlier last week. Skip to act 2 if you don’t like Sum 41. These feels (n.) don’t really leave. And they won’t really leave when you’ve gotten what your feels had you feeling for. But if it doesn’t get better,…
Post-Paradise Thank You
The goal was that when I’m in Montreal again it’s resumption of arrangements, but now with making the most out of the catharsis and optimism I’ve collected here in Toronto. And since I was in the midst of losing my fuckin mind when I was last there in 2018, I had to show up with…
Obituary
I buried Dad early last week leading to the weekend megabus to Toronto, which is a relief cause I resented him enough that I didn’t need an extra thing to curse him over. There was already enough to navigate between the “fuck that guy” and the “he was still my dad and did at least…
![Big Fight in Little Chinatown [dir. Karen Cho]](https://crescendoangst.files.wordpress.com/2022/11/327922504_2286801494832817_3083361896962807690_n.jpeg?w=1200&h=900&crop=1)
Big Fight in Little Chinatown [dir. Karen Cho]
UPDATE: Karen Cho is the first ever to capture a genuine smile out of me; that’s how much her documentary tour-de-force BIG FIGHT IN LITTLE CHINATOWN means to me. Now that it’s having its theatrical run, you have no excuse. I don’t care how “m’thso buzy” you are, how hot your date is and your fear…
Just wanting to be useful
To start, some optimistic updates: New report suggests going further to protect Montreal’s Chinatown *And now way less importantly to this brooding blog* I’m still trying to get better at self-kindness. Aren’t we all—us self-effacing non-narcissists? Am I doing it again? I’m still trying. Am I getting better at this? For the sake of the…
Happy Anniversary
Listening to the cicadas. My association with them at some point became them as my lone consistent company—out there in the shrub fields and dilapidated real estate I call wastelands in fiction. It is yet not exaggerated from the truth, as these cicadas ring through my ears, a familiar shared death cry that they may…
Dollar Cinema presents OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO
Dollar Cinema is closing at the end of the month. All these years they’ve given underprivileged communities, families especially, a space to foster memories around the communion of moviegoing. As it is for countless others–Jenny, Bernie, and the cinema have been there for us, from our creed to directly in our work’s DNA. So before…
![OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO [abridged/trailer/music video]](https://crescendoangst.files.wordpress.com/2022/06/iconography-a.still098.png?w=1200&h=900&crop=1)
OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO [abridged/trailer/music video]
To the solstice This is not pre-masturbatory; it’s done and now the onus is on whoever has the gender-amorphous cojones to start projecting this. Bribe your friends-in-positions-of-cultural-influence. Trap them in a room and loop this on 5.1 surround speakers, cause that’s the movie’s mix. Release them when they’re a better person. Micro-change the world. Our…
CALL TO ACTION for MTL Chinatown
Chinatown Working Group’s Written Submission Template For The OCPM Consultation On Montreal’s Chinatown To EVERYONE in-or-out-of Montreal who wants to directly help preserve the city’s Chinatown—the last in the province—and contribute to the neighborhood’s future, Now Is Your Chance. The city is has finally taken steps to consult the citizens—residents, local businesses, patrons—what they want for…
How do I want to spend the 29th year of my life
I know, numbers are at-heart [heart attack age range notwithstanding] only as meaningful as we decide. I was comforted by a confidante’s attesting that most of their friends are in their 30s and more youthful than those their actual age. How much I wanna touch on the subject of perceptual fleeting youth, maybe not too…
The self-anointed worth I inhabit
—the rawest deal I can have in this post-zoomer age of pursued validation. Thank Lu at least I’m a millennial. Writing this fully acknowledging the infinite and infinitely more crucial things going on everywhere. That said, there’ll in all likeliness never be a time when the world calms down enough for me to not feel…
![OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO [double LP]](https://crescendoangst.files.wordpress.com/2022/03/double-lp-crop.jpg?w=800&h=600&crop=1)
OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO [double LP]
Album aims to be its own experience from movie—OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO, which might sound obnoxious cause anyone could paste source files into album form then pretense it as “its own thang.” But whatever yeah fuck you unless you dig it—tracks are re-ordered in places compared to non-diegetic sequencing, some aren’t even in the movie, its…
Let’s Talk
Taking time from artisanal captioning to write this out of ethics. But for those who care about Bell’s initiative to raise awareness for mental health, there’s countless ways you can engage, whether you’ve had any history of mental illness or are someone who cares about the well-being of another’s mental health. Oh right before I…
Whole movie exists
Could use an earbleed-sparing mix, subs anyway for those sensitive to yelling, maybe bit more yelling, but just, yeah; perpetually won’t feel done til the day I open the blu-ray. Turns out it won’t be 4 hours cause even I don’t wanna watch that. I also don’t know when or how this will see the…
Year-end open mic empathy-sharing therapy
New year’s resolution: Know more than ever one’s worth, no more chasing those [motherfatherfuckersclearsthroat] who don’t. While obviously staying humble. Remember kids of parents reading this, self-actualization don’t equal being an arrogass bastard-bitch. Also bro be a tad less bitter save some of that for when you’re 30. Allowing oneself to publish now, having reached…
Saving Chinatown
https://newsinteractives.cbc.ca/saving-chinatown Supporting Chinatown has never been as actively conscious a choice as it’s been to me now. Though I’ve pretty badly botched the tuning to my Asian roots—something many can relate to growing up in the west—I’ve cherished from the start what it means to its community, local businesses, and patrons, I among the latter.…
Believe In The Movies
As immersively tangible as the narratives of art are, a poetic irony about being an artist tends to lie with imposter syndrome—this on a worthwhile-role-in-society level. I won’t and couldn’t-if-I-pretentiously-tried speak for anyone else of course, especially those who can make, y’know a sustainable let alone successful living out of it, let alone a true…
Eternally Repeating. Eternally Changing
Among closer bonds have asked how I was feeling—having wrapped ODC, something to think about for those of us who stuck all the way with it the last half-decade. I’d already shared this with them after the fact, but the answer started with “that’s the good question – maybe when I’ve fully re-become human I’ll…
What my hand still bothers for
I’ve relatively come more to terms with my corroded ability to articulate my thoughts coherently so that comparatively-well-adjusted peoples would wanna keep up / stick around. Though that’s only seemed to further maintain this thing’s refusal to not come to light. Maybe when this thing is out in its totality and has optimally short-circuited all…
Megamovie Reload Overture
Consider Yourself Golden’s magic — ig | fb Anecdotal foreplay—of the 23 problems my eyes face, the consistent seesaw-standout is either more uveitis [imagine vision-clouding abstract art] paired with less glaucoma [imagine eyeballs ever-swelling, mm] or the reverse. Lately it’d been glaucoma to which I had borrowed time til my one remaining good eye explodes;…
Wasteland broadcast discovery
“Diabolical forces are formidable. These forces are eternal, and they exist today. The fairy tale is true. The devil exists. God exists. And for us, as people, our very destiny hinges upon which one we elect to follow.”- Ed Warren Complete digression aside, is this waste-of-space mofo not the fugliest thing anyone’s ever seen holy…
13 June 1PM EST – ODC twitch.tv screening
Open Doom Crescendo – Episode 21 screening + live discourse twitch.tv/crescendoangst Join the production as an associate producer like on Zack Snyder’s JL: gofundme.com/f/open-doom-crescendo
Days to desolation
This time I felt the necessity—not the urgency—to jot this down. I’m not so air-headed to not realize that the novelty people had found in this glorified live journal [this paragraph is a joyous foreword tange-rant] was largely aided by the fact that people straight up had 90% less activity options a year ago, and…
OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO – Dissertation
SYNOPSIS: The collective consciousness of human pain has led to an unknown alternate reality wasteland. Amidst this seemingly endless exterior desolation of dirt and urban abandonment appear those searching for their answers and somewhere beyond—the entity Embodiment of Angst. It is believed that this mysterious being—whether it be in the form of a person, bagel,…
Loss and Find — III
Grab hold and don’t let go. While this transience passes. While the soul-switches flip on. What creative expression means. At least to me. If I attest this through the people and things that move me most—I can maintain why I need to actuate what I may myself give. While I have time in this space…
Loss and Find — II
Grab hold and don’t let go. While this transience passes. While the soul-switches flip on. What creative expression means. At least to me. If I attest this through the people and things that move me most—I can maintain why I need to actuate what I may myself give. While I have time in this space…
Loss and Find — I
Grab hold and don’t let go. While this transience passes. While the soul-switches flip on. What creative expression means. At least to me. If I attest this through the people and things that move me most—I can maintain why I need to actuate what I may myself give. While I have time in this space…
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Why I’m still doing [___]
Whatever my part may be, they all more or less weave between ODC and my soulful ability to last long enough to finish it [or to at least witness Zack Snyder’s Justice League].] I can attest to my personal need to cyclically reconcile my sense of compassion versus people’s willful hatred that would rather take…
Shared destination
There’s a dialogue being extended Past the gravel sea + anarchic symphony There’s a question for those who last past the 3-hour mark About who we’re gonna be to each other, apart together + not together For those who can tell there’s more to a projectile rotten fruit joke Than it just being comically rewarding…
Why this matters to me
I feel the conscientious need to address the matter. I could make a thing of addressing any sociopolitical matter that I paid enough attention to. Thing is I find myself only able to use this nascent movement for whatever I subjectively can contribute something to, with no one to answer to criteria of academia, non-fiction,…
Why he gave it everything
To those hurting at expense for capitalism today I don’t think Saint Valentine would’ve wanted that I don’t think he wanted his memory and what he gave, his head included, to be lost in a modern day monetized betrayal I don’t think while his head was still attached to his upper body that he thought…
/ All [I] have [to give]
/ Mettle celebrations To Malu 02/12/20, sometime before that—and likely long after I I semi-regularly dread the future scenario of hard conversations…. whether you for some reason seek answers from me or I just impulsively blurt them out cause I freak out at the prospect of you discovering the world’s hardships in tougher ways. I…
At The Very Least It’s Already February
Dear Malu 21/02/06 Gonna see if directly addressing your potentially rebellious but certainly very cognitively astute teenage future helps at all. You see, your street uncle is still learning how to express himself properly without scaring everyone off so he’s constantly finding original ways to document his psychosis in ways that persistently blur the line…
Dan Barrett‘s Better Questions Dissertation
January 13 Better Question — “Should I invert the advice that I get?” One part of the mind wonders whether a more bipartisan vernacular would’ve done better by the original email’s reader appeal. But………….yeah._____________
Granting you permission
—that is if you still haven’t given it to yourself Look this is frankly a checkpoint disclaimer refueling. The moderator might need one as such. The trips to the giving-a-damn gas station are necessary for the same reason we take trips to the automobile gas station. Creed fire and car fuel might as well parallel.…
Projection Canvas For The Collective Cartoon-Level Holiday Sorrow
Variant Title—Celebrations For The Excluded: Empathy Canvas Catch-Up; Dec. 2020 Issue 0: You know what to do. No I apologize that’s exclusionary. If this is your first crescendo angst short non-fiction read, here: whatever’s going on with you, this is a projection place to leave some of it — here. Flip my words around or…
Falafel-It-Forward
If you wish to contribute to Nilufar Restaurant‘s Falafel-It-Forward efforts the details are at their channel. During this internationally depressive holiday season, this is one other way we can give. Channel details: via instagram / facebook In any case the crescendo angst version of our sponsorship ad:
The monument of Zack Snyder’s Justice League and Superman story
On a 4:30 a.m. sanity-obligatory soundtrack-labor pause I do the trailer for Zack Snyder’s Justice League for maybe closer to the 54th time. It would be closer to 544 if I managed my moments of breathing in and out better and if every watch wasn’t so emotionally draining. It has to be clear—I could not…
Celebrations For The Excluded
At crescendo angst cinevision we generally have no clue what we’re doing as in we believe in method magic in the music-face of mortal madness. A news report about a woman who was helped off living on the streets brought it back to a wider—if sometimes futile-feeling—moral collective need to do what we can in…
No Place Like Nilufar’s
Before this risks coming off as derailing into self-serving conceit, this is the root article: There is enough food to go around. So why am I seeing people go hungry? Now a point-of-view for gratitude assessment and to attempt empathetic universal appeal Half this typist’s post-pubescent body is made of Nilufar Restaurant’s food. I had…
Op-ed — Pandemic party pass
This has nothing to do with feelings about Christmas itself, which include while not limited to kinetic melancholy-longing and the collective purgatorial haunt of unrequited deceased folktale monsters. The burden of their lonelinesses wraiths in and out of this publishing. In Poutineland our excuse for government leaders have justified bypassing public health guidelines and green…
WTF Fest + Canzine Premiere
If nothing else, this is a keepsake given–a double-down as Adam encourages. Regardless when the rest sees the light of day depends on when humanity gets its collective redemptive crud together and whoever still has scenes remaining aren’t 40 years old by that point or already deceased. We’d likely see it through regardless of answers…
More x V̅
Writing for a moment as the moderator on behalf of the crescendo angst cinevision culmovement, though nothing here reflects the explicit opinions of any of its members so if I say something that offends pretend-vegetarians, then uh yeah, right here people. If you’ve been on the flaming bullet train since the dying days of the dvd,…
Good Luck Round 2
You’re not here for another opinion-on-everything-otherwise-you’re-with-the-enemy piece. You’re at crescendo angst cinevision for a canvas this feels like a retread. You’d know by now. This is for the humility of it all. Or what it’s worth as apocalypse lockdown 2 goes down midnight, at least in the region this publishing digitally sends from. Maybe your…
Poems for people who wish to hate poems II
Justification 144553 for doing what we do—crescendo angst cinevision is an attempt to cement-document a subjective experience. This so anyone may find their own quiet and apart-from-all-others private canvas to project their experience towards. This individualistic narcissist culture then makes even more total absence of human-potential-sense in the company of the feels that links all…
Day 21,909 of 30,000
Don’t make this a dispensable pandemic vacuum blog art. Being self-aware then doing nothing about it won’t count [e.g. hipsters, deadpool 2, lot of the government] unless you’re 22 jump street [this is still beautiful] Another metaphor—the world had a seizure and it’s probably not long before it has another. That or a FPS character…
We dare you not to feel anything II
I’ve thus far lived the life of a devil, by nature whose given power is to channel fire through his hands, hence I’ve set shit and people [figure of speech] on fire throughout this life. And I do genuinely believe if I was instead bestowed an angel’s power of handing out light, I’d be way…
It keeps happening
No I’m not relapsing on anything; was thinking of something funny then thought I’d use it in a semi-regular way anyway. It does keep happening though. Even if the meaning’s different. I’m sitting in the garden grass playing with the black cat oh right the black cat I mentioned last month who I called a…
Today — One Year Ago
Today: Looped to FEEl. off the DAMN. LP Other than last grammar checks, the bottom latter post was pre-written days ahead of today while I was in the zone. Appropriately I don’t think I’d have done it justice today. While last year was one of the coolest days, if I was actually gonna treat today…
1 Year Ago Today Dismantling
Self-obliged self-justification disclaimer: this is pure anarchy stream-of-consciousness. It wasn’t supposed to be, but this is what happens when one forces out a last-minute birthday present-equivalent. Doesn’t change how much it matters. This wasn’t the last day of Operation Heatstroke. 4 days later was, and I’m grateful for that—Jamz and I agreeing 29 was the…
Minor novella— The No Zone
This canvas of empathy is for anyone who, ..just, man you get it. Hope you’re well. I 6:52 a.m. as I type and it’s pouring sky water outside the window. Yesterday it was dreamscape sunglowing in the wasteland. Weather-deity is by chance being mood-appropriate. “If you could do good things for people then you have…
Armory – All That’s Worth Putting Up
12,866 empty square feet give or take remains Waves piece [seen right] – Thanks Katarina Riopel
“Life talking to a wall” – Matt Murdock, Daredevil Coolio Cut
Disgusting. The humble part of me is not even making this about us. You have the ones who have feces to say or can’t come out with anything [constipated] yet got nations of drooling fans at their superficial mercy. Then you got those with an overbearing amount of content filtered through a decency-pacer yet it’s…
One-Off: Politically Compassionate
To those who may’ve been traumatized by the length of while equally engrossed by the checkpoint unravelments of garden at the back, Vessel / Wraith / rest of Open Doom, Coda:, as the title suggests I’ll attempt self-contained concision here. I was kind of close [sort of this close] to writing a newly long one…
ODC21 fight scene
Aight I estimated some Open Doom Crescendo in July and the last guy I wanna be right after the guy tasked with making half-life 3 is that rich wannabe auteur student filmmaker who says they’re making a film then spends all their will on a would-you-fuck-me photoshoot. Chatted with Peter, and we’ll do more than…
The A.T. field and The Heart II
97 PERCENT OF READERS: Que le merde de pantaloon pour quois àT field
Slapping At Loneliness In The Lawful Loneliness Era
If you haven’t yet subscribed to Dan Barrett’s Better Questions, well you had seven days to do so, the same amount of time you would’ve had to prepare for ringu coming for u, so yeah. Posting another installation again at 5:43 so if I’m late at even 5:44, whoever shouts out at 5:45 gets aaa..pffmangoshake…
Still what worth are words when they’ll never be enough
[That is a triple play between the link to the previous installation, the lyrics themselves, and the fact that everyone’s a freaking ghost]
Void To Self-Worth
July 17 and 19’s pieces still mark the arc climax. As a delayed [there is delay] annex, electronic voice phenomenon can take ~a week to process, also I’m not david lynch so people’s attention spans usually don’t humor past 1 medium [e.g. writing + songs] so a ghost’s dos-post goes no-noticed with a writing exceeding…
Continued Self-Isolated Creed Of Mind
Personal longing Vs. What’s the less shitty choice to make Vs. What others alternately do without you Vs. Then feeling even more alone Vs. How to maintain selflessness Vs. Human programming Vs. I will not compute [hot-wires / hacks human program] If you’re not signed up and wish for this to make any sense Dan…
Afterword or whatever: Void To Empowerment
When I decay I go out having my say While setting aflame as many possible bad guys on the way Sketched to the Sea of Worry LP’s Science Beat and Lords of Tresserhorn. I found Have a Nice Life’s 3rdalbum the most visually resonating, this with its thematic timeliness to how the world and humanity as…
![Coda: What [I] want / All [I] have](https://crescendoangst.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/again-r-1.png?w=1200&h=900&crop=1)
Coda: What [I] want / All [I] have
Again to every lonely wraith who feels abandoned when another lonely wraith “gets better” and leaves: you’ll never have to worry about that here. Not when you see me having a giggle attack. Not when you see me give-no-fudge-attacking my adversaries into freshly-made craters. Not when I succeed in being extremely funny, usually through other…
Sun border-porn / The most minor non-toxic optimism
Disclaimer: the first half of the title is your disclaimer. OG-written on July 6. Shelved since cause re: title This shout-out’s to Kai. Thanks for gifting me the momentum to publish. The audacity to test this nascent cult’s outreach. Crescendo Angst Cinevision isn’t a cult, it’s just a metaphor. Unless I bagged you the day…
Poems for people who wish to hate poems
I’m super emo As usual From sharing with people What I hope is void of ego It always ends though With my ceaseless ramble Creating collateral slow mo To those who don’t follow Absolutely understandable These are the screams of a non-criminal-psycho Psycho in the radio Reference to OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO Cause if you…
Hyperlinks: A Static Vision Film Festival
Hey it’s Automated Android. M/Ms/It Cinevision is duck-taping a makeshift dummy with a tripledickhead and a Restaurant Nilufar t-shirt so I was asked to substitute this one. Sooo 3:45 p.m. eastern time’s mangoshake, 5:15’s the Q&A.https://hyperlinks.online/… Cinevision says he doesn’t wanna personally be the one to turn the Q&A into an OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO plug-fest, so that…
9 days later, 9 times the KuPlowersky
This is to the second man who found me amongst the noise, as I pictured him conveniently working at the exact opposite-sided desk from the first man who found me. Adam Cook with zero obligations set and steered the very dialogue that would ripple-affect the audiovisual universe’s course as it was known. Peter Kuplowsky was…
B’s Kid Turned 2
Lulu might as well be the closest I have to a niece except I carry none of the actual usefulness/impact other than thus far the fact that certain words/sounds I made up are apparently part of her regular vocabulary. Which frankly that is sick and likely the most profound effect I’ve made yet with my…
What we want / All we have
Self-servingly this took some minor emotional courage to start with these images cause they were taken summer 2017 in preparation for shooting come summer 2018 except 2018 was when I went boss-level mental and lost everyone’s support save for 4 people who hung on for dear moral life. By actual shooting come summer 2019 this…
II: The rest of Open Doom Crescendo
Whoever might be reading this at whatever time—I do hope it’s when it’s the quietest and loneliest for you. Not cause I pettily like the image of you being lonely and reading my lonely words as if your mutual suffering is my only source of solace, it’s not that at all. What I’m getting at…
I: Vessel / Wraith
Gratitude-claimer: I directly Thank You Sammy, Helene, Emily [Tong], Leonardo, Ryan, Matias, Dan for responding to the last publishing; I never not notice or take it for granted. That said, at the time of putting it up I was feeling the most futility-resignation to being a nobody posting nowhere to no one, so it mattered…
There’s a garden at the back: I + II
Automated android disclaimer: Hello, to understand Earth’s Core-esque Existentialism I have appropriately mastered the english language. These are the collected writings of someone who clearly takes crazy pills, and regardless how self-aware or radical at wordplay they may be, they write for no reason other than to self-scrutinize and reflect self-critically their place amongst people,…
6 years 2 months ago 2 weeks ago: Coda II
On behalf of this whole recent delirium-spree, I’ll try grenade-compressing this publishing as the pre-self-nuke. Spirit wraith—I’m just a 70% liquid vessel; you’ll soon have to do the work for both of us. I should’ve looked out for you more. Sorry. How could anything be salvaged when you’re already long gone. Past hearing out. All…
As close to your remains as I get
Before my soul was self-ejected.
No judgment
No calling myself out on everything I write in real-time. No considering others’ judgment No attention/comfort/reassurance/pity/sympathy-seeking This time I very much write this to myself I write and I let it sit I let who I am be This disclaimer may in case offer an even more compassionate canvas of honesty. If you actively wrestle…
Happy Dragon Boat Festival
I’m still mourning a suicide from 2015. If you feel even slightly guilty cause you long-concluded I’m a cold-hearted bastard, it’s all right. Whether it looks like I give a damn or not about my actions, I’ve always been dying inside. But I can still physiologically type so May 2019—days away from the first ODC…
You won’t enjoy this if you even secretly discriminate against incoherence
The world’s gonna change. There’s nothing pretentiously romantic about that. If a scientist is somehow reading this then Yeah I Know the world has always been and continues to always change you fucking E.Q.-challenged genius-arrogass. Sorry. I made an assumption. I’m the ass. Still fuck you if you thought it. I’m gonna go ahead and…
5 years ago again
Matias I was gonna transmit the 5-second-food-fell-down rule to disproportionately justify a 5-days-after-the-birthday-to-remember rule but turns out this footage is 5 years ago today so yes I planned this against your anticipation! Cause of course I’m the one person you couldn’t live without getting a bday wish from. Aaah shit aight here’s 12m51s of you…
Soul stash
You’ll get something out of this if you generally…lack..stuff…on an at-least-not-snorting-cocaine-to-stay-conscious level. I’m holding singular things. I can’t actually touch them. I see them. I hear them. I can’t smell it, but I’d recognize it, whether I was ever there or not. Regardless I feel it all. I put it all in a place only…
Is More Lighthearted even possible?
Guess one could try. For the downer who only finds comfort in Crescendo Angst Cinevision’s empathy to unabashed depressiveness don’t worry, it never matters how giddy I appear—as morally obligated, I am very much unmovingly dying inside out. Self-care therapy disclaimer. You can more or less skip this if you’re not conflicted about liking me…
Mayor guy: pick un day! Public health guy: UUAAWW jawr j-j-juine leeee v-v-vin-twen–
Disclaimer: no matter what social class you are, if you can take a shower while not in the very act fearing for someone else’s life then you are part of the new privilege. And as partly a way to atone for whenever I do sound like a privileged baby ironically in the ghetto, I type…
Vulnerably tough
I’m an existential motor-mouth assaults-with-more-than-you-ordered vending machine, but I will never truly assume or preach that anything I do is good or valid. The double standard thing is I unconditionally believe in the transcendence of creation. Whether it’s a story of what happens when a 14-year old outcast gets to decide whether to end all…
And no one will win — EOA, ODC[#]
This one’s specialized less for the vengeful-I-must-burn-it-all person and more the nothing-can-convince-me-I-can-be-saved-too. Writing this to Nothing’s 2ndand 3rdLPs, skipping any weird happy tracks. I’m the first to call out my amount of 1stperson POV which consistently threatens to create narcissistic disconnect but again my first name’s Crescendo so I’m not actually real and anything you…
It always ends in a fight — Bucky, marvel movie
Disclaimer: this piece is a reluctant anti-hero mic drop so reading this is not a good idea if you are in a no-one-dare-ruin-my-happiness mood cause I Will win this challenge not a brag it means I can be a lot. Seriously if you like me at all but very cautiously this will almost certainly ruin…
Happy Anniversaries
So necessary disclaimer to those who haven’t heard this 23 times already—that nothing I do or say is done with the goal of exterior attention, validation, or gratification to return to me. I convince myself that I do wanna live the most selfless life, though yeah I could totally be conning myself as a way…
Void To Self-Worth [July 24]
Emptiness Empathy Exorcism [June 28]
Thesis [June 24]
OPEN DOOM CRESCENDO 