Just wanting to be useful

To start, some optimistic updates: New report suggests going further to protect Montreal’s Chinatown

Global News

*And now way less importantly to this brooding blog*

I’m still trying to get better at self-kindness. Aren’t we all—us self-effacing non-narcissists? Am I doing it again? I’m still trying. Am I getting better at this?

For the sake of the 8800 people reading this. I’ve once then twice then at least eleven more times attested that this is all for anyone who could project their own relation onto these texts. That’s still true. But who am I kidding—I write this for myself as well. Public journals are public journals and my mind remains pre-2010’s.

To check in and ask how I’m doing:

  • A lot of family health trauma the last few months in particular.
  • Trying to be as available as possible at community matters—where grief, resilience, and action share the same space.
  • The movie I spent the last 13 years working on will be done in 13 days, and at this point 1.3% of the people I produced it with couldn’t care less about staying in touch (in their defence I traumatized them enough with the voluntary-community-service-disguised-as-community art (I mean I still think it’s community art)).

Act Now

–Or Regret Later.

Every time we’re unhappy about something, we must ask: “Is it because of something that’s objectively wrong? Or because I don’t have it my way?”

Every time we’re going out of the way to do something, we must ask: “Is it because I genuinely believe in the virtue of doing the thing? Or because I don’t want someone else getting to do it?”

“Do I want to Give? Or do I want to Own?” And by “Own”, not the “taking ownership of your own feelings” but rather “selfishly taking something away from others”.

To spend our lives trying to kid others much less kid ourselves that our toxic unhappiness is someone else’s fault–is to run a race that not only has no finish line, but that no one you spitefully want in the crowd is spectating. The latter cause they’re all likely running their own version of that race.

– Response to last week’s Better Questions.

What is my worth?

What am I supposed to do?

What am I about?

Existential recap

  • Show up for people if that’s what I’m supposed to do.
  • Finish my life’s work of art, even if it means I might be homeless within 5 years.
  • My self-worth won’t be imported from anyone anytime soon ever.


But keep showing up. Keep doing the thing you’re self-meant to give. This isn’t too optimistic? Fudge it and Fuck All You cynics and hipsters.

Discomfort reading

Digital golem obliging…
Digital Golem: It worked though we wish we wer

Published by crescendoangstcinevision

Licensed creative vandalism

One thought on “Just wanting to be useful

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