Today: Looped to FEEl. off the DAMN. LP
Other than last grammar checks, the bottom latter post was pre-written days ahead of today while I was in the zone. Appropriately I don’t think I’d have done it justice today. While last year was one of the coolest days, if I was actually gonna treat today with the stakes of a legit anniversary, I’d probably relapse to Meteor Shower 2018. You don’t need me to recap for you. If you’re emo-sensitive in any similar way, you’d be registering any of the 2020 catalogue. Pure evil whether it’s born of blind submissive brainwashed fear or shameless wide-influence hate-spreading or authorities using their power to consciously make things worse and murder any and everyone just to show they can + get even richer for it.
What am I feeling? Honestly skip this if you don’t care. I’m pushing this uphill wheelbarrow movement and I need a moment to put my humanity down. What am I feeling? Shit I just realized how deep this could go. And I’m sure much of what’s already published out here serves to cancel out any regurgitated placeholders. The world’s not changing. Just the placeholders. That changes none of the meaning though.
Some One else dies. Some One else lives through a hate act. I see Black Lives Matter. Not all lives matter coughtrum oh no I’m fine, Not all lives matter trump administration and I obviously get why it’s about black lives. Anyone who took a transparent history lesson knows this. That said I think about all the Asian kids going back to school who should all have a voucher-skateboard to smash the emptiness out of a racist bully’s head. Give a skateboard to that elderly Asian lady who got her house egg-pelted and [if I heard properly cause at that point my hand was dragging across my bloodthirsty face] got a rock to the head. Black lives matter, and I’m not here to take away from that. What I ask is does “racism” and this white-privilege-elevated concept of “equality” stop there once they’re convinced of acquitting themselves of guilt over everything done to black people? Is it gonna take decades of too-late-catastrophes before racism against Asians becomes the new trend white people feel obligated to address? I would also bring up Indigenous people finally getting their due cause it’s been a while since colonialism but like, who is anyone kidding? I don’t mean that. I’m angry, you can tell. And when I felt again what I feel when I hear about someone who looks like me in pain for something they had no say with, my humility calms my rage down. And then I just feel this pity for evil, and the placeholder people who discriminate, oppress, and kill their own people around the world for whatever reason—within any country, city, village. And then I’m once again despairing about the world a little black girl for who I’d gladly get hit by a bus is continuing to grow up towards. She already looks like she’ll do great. The ex-convict devil in me still urges to get deadly-defender-ready, drowning out the angel. The latter’s voice is perfect. Perfect lies.
Sometimes I wonder if the explicit things I’m trying to reach out with through the anger actually does anything? Or do I need Kendrick-fandom to not have what I rawly say not misunderstood at face value. The one person I would’ve loved couldn’t see me. All she saw at one point was anger. Hell none of the anger was even directed at her, it was satirically chain-sent to like 223 people and yet somehow. To be clear I’m not ruminating or reaching for what’s long gone. For starters if I did, I’d still be self-brainwashed into believing my role wasn’t the one I’m rolling.
I’m digressing. No I’m not. If
The one wasn’t reconcilable, how will I ultimately come to terms with the ignorance and frankly apathy that must take people some caliber of reverse-skill to give themselves reasons to hate any one group, as if the only thing they’re not retarded at is prejudging, generalizing, thriving at someone they see as lesser’s suffering. A saying goes around to be kind to everyone cause you can’t tell what they’re going through. Maybe if I break enough of their bones with my skateboard they’ll share what’s been bothering them.
These are one of the times I’m grateful that I’ve long buried nostalgia then shovelled it back up just to beat it back to death. I have to hold onto this love I still take with me since 365 days ago. I won’t let this hate today take away the love from then. I also won’t let my own affection blind me into not feeling what’s around us all now. Otherwise that’s how it starts. That’s how it ends with meteors. I didn’t want to write this. But repressing the need and then just dropping something unrelated as if I don’t actually care will eat me alive. I have no precedence-metric of where, when, what, who to address at any given time. I don’t exist to have an opinion on everything. I’m one more striving empath trying to give everything good he can.
Bring it you hateful jackasses. I’ve got no tears to spare if I’m not tough enough to take you down. I shed the rest for those who feel.
One Year Ago: Thank You
Left to right: Jamz, Pei, Demo
Imma start by not-weirdo serenading Pei. She was one of the new members of the crescendo angst family last year with ODC year 1. She was actually the one person with no previous affiliation to the movement even by referral, as she found us through a casting call. To really put this into perspective, this was the first time I called-cast cause I finally ran out of arrogass options, but naturally I can’t do even a casting call like a normal person so straight-shot it out C.A.C.-style. Suffice it to say even those who did dare to reach out eventually understood enough to decide they were irredeemably confounded / appalled. Everyone except Pei, from her first shoutout since. And for the record she was the only one who actually got the call right by not submitting a CV and rather answering whether she was a sun or cloud person.
Look I’m the first to admit this. I know how perplexing this could all be. In fact the #2 most common reaction from a crescendo angst fan is “I don’t really get it though I’m intrigued”. Now imagine actually having to make the stuff.
It’s one thing to have been part of the gang since the dawn-2010s and progressively numb-wiring oneself to the only-escalatory absurdity of our creative choices. It’s another for someone to come in at peak-anarchy dawn-2019, who’s an actual showbiz professional, not insane, has their life together, has everything beautiful & generous to share with the world, and definitely doesn’t need us as a stunt for resumé street cred.
I’ll vividly replay in my head the second-half-of-the-day shoot where the closing team was Jamz, Matias, Pei, Phil. We were a 5-[wo]man team who had to shoot a war sequence between 2 armies. So with recording roles accounted for, what happens when the performers are down to 3, and 1 of them is playing the same principle character? I guess you’ll see for yourself, my point though. The moment there when Pei—who had no rational reason to be there—no longer held in her laughter at the searing silliness of where she had found herself down to be: this was arguably the most defining and very much the most resonating moment of the whole shoot.
That’s why we do it even when it feels like it’s just us who’ll ever get it. That’s the ethos of Crescendo Angst Cinevision.
I didn’t do a speech-for-every-present-member on the 29th. Whereas on the 25th there was an almost dirgey obligation to eulogize the temporal longing-depressiveness that is human bonds, the 29th I held only gratitude and non-nihilistic-love out to Pei, Demo, Jamz, Maggie, Devon who collectively showed up to wrap Pei’s performance and with it Operation Heatstroke. All I needed them to know was that that day with them was my most grateful to be a creative giver. They knew. I said it I’m sure multiple times. It likely reflects the striving grace of this writing as contrasted with the deliberately graphic emo-violence of the last publishing. They didn’t need an appreciation speech that just collaterally leaves everyone especially me way sadder. They all knew there how badly I loved them.
See whoever’s left next year for the remaining rest.