Eternally Repeating. Eternally Changing

Among closer bonds have asked how I was feeling—having wrapped ODC, something to think about for those of us who stuck all the way with it the last half-decade. I’d already shared this with them after the fact, but the answer started with “that’s the good question – maybe when I’ve fully re-become human I’ll know.” You see the only way I was gonna self-trustingly enable photography to drag past the finish line was if I holistically removed myself from my own equation. I’ll be heaven-the-real-hell-damned if I was gonna get in the way of the thing I place most importance with giving to the world.

So all those things like 1st world hunger, longing, self-interested desires and wants, heartbreak got archived to the depths of my subconscience, only to creep as far back to me as passed-out dreams and brief private anguish would allow.

Now the damngod thing’s wrapped, it’s backed up on 7 hard drives, and I somehow stayed alive to see this through. How am I doing?

As etiquette when allowing myself to self-therapy – to the reader who could always use one more source of empathy in this otherwise still-unfeeling world: sorry for the delay, not that you necessarily waited. I’ve no choice but to let myself feel again.

Yet as a megafan of personal growth, it feels different. I don’t know how long this’ll sustain but I earnestly hope it does as lastingly as possible. And if Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time being the new most-profound thing I’ve ever experienced says anything, it’s that I welcome every step towards living my life as meaningfully and generously as possible. If the just-previously-most-profound thing I’ve ever experienced End of Evangelion [the first iteration of open-ended closure to a story given over 26 years]—if through all the despite-desolational-darkness EoE is at its heart about the will to continue feeling—

Then Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 [You Can [Not] Redo Alone] is about the will to live. The will to live your life as meaningfully and generously as possible.

The key though in the “not alone” thing is not whether you Need to Not Be Alone, much less if you are someone who Gets To Not Be Alone ______ . . . 

The key in the “not alone” thing is whether despite your lived-experience-desolation, you can regardless persevere towards a more loving better world where people can be less alone. That we will always have a say at. Whether it’s empathy to a stranger you’ll likely never encounter again. Whether it’s reaching out for the sake of the other person and not what You wish you could’ve had with the person.

Things change for the better, and I can feel personal growth in the unconditional love I hope to extend—this if I want only good for others, and parallel-wise my own well-being. Coming back to Eva, if EoE was about learning how to make peace with oneself and heal oneself, then 3.0+1.0 is about learning how to make peace with the world and help heal it.

Can I do this all over again? Better yet, can I do it more truthfully? With a post-broken heart now-rebooted? Is the duck tape I’ve finally finished enough to rebuild and maintain my creed? I wrote again and gave this to you—whoever you are out there—so I can hope.

Love each other, care for each other.


Digital golem obliging…
Digital Golem: It worked though we wish we wer

Published by crescendoangstcinevision

Licensed creative vandalism

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