Disclaimer: this piece is a reluctant anti-hero mic drop so reading this is not a good idea if you are in a no-one-dare-ruin-my-happiness mood cause I Will win this challenge not a brag it means I can be a lot. Seriously if you like me at all but very cautiously this will almost certainly ruin what I had going. I swear this closes hopeful.
I was gonna go the rest of the week’s length without extensiveness-writing. Not that overwriting would detriment anyone’s life cause if anything they benefit by realizing earlier that they shouldn’t feel overbeared on by simply not reading which would be a thing if I was actually a celebrity and not currently speaking to myself.
I gotta write cause I’ll metaphorically vomit if I don’t or said meta-vomit will find its unwarranted way to any area of my life that I value more than this digital real estate in the middle of cyberspace nowhere. Sorry Dan Barrett of Have A Nice Life when you read this. You kindred-spirited me on the virtue of editing though I’m likely gonna botch this one. I’ll try all the same.
To me it’s a fact that any and all politics can rip everyone apart—political, religious, cultural, star wars 9 it was negative-integrity bullshit. Politics is that magical creation of humanity that can fuel hatred for your arch-nemesis or make me get in another fight with Ian even if he says it’s not a fight but I explain how it clearly is don’t worry he doesn’t read these. Look on one hand if I address zero politics then I have zero opinions and might as well be as boring as that person I sat next to in short fiction class, and if I’m too political then I won’t see Ian’s dog as much. Or again* since I’ll never see anyone like ever now.
How do you gauge? As someone who doesn’t hold a position of any concrete sociopolitical consequence, at least for me it’s this grey place between saying my views through timeless abstraction—usually weirdly-dressed performers—or making choices about which real world events to have outspoken views on. Even if I’m not a well-spoken academic of which you’d be contrarily reading their stuff if you actually wanted a certified opinion on anything, I’m all right writing about things cause it’s not like I’m a privileged hollywood pigfuck who capitalizes on events so far removed from their mansions just to optimize their careers by preaching equality and then go and do something else racist.
I’m at 1/2 a 12-font page and anyone who even accidentally turns on the internet to a news segment knows what this is about. So for my own peace of mind you’re not gonna come onto a write-up about George Floyd for any persuasive or educated opinion because even if I was an arrogant élitiste as someone amazing recently said I have enough decency to not take for granted a very real and specific tragedy as currency for my own individualistic validation. As I write I re-realize that what’s going on may not even be the main focus of this post as much as this event has every reason to be a “The focus.” I guess what I’m getting at here is I’m trying to make sense of a lot of things at the same time hence the need to just write. It’s not safe to put too much of a lid on myself for threat of collateral damage but I’m also trying to be conscious and thoughtful cause self-awareness does not equate actual intelligence, looking at you (most(?)) liberal artists. Honestly please do stop reading if it makes you uncomfortable cause that means I’m failing the reason this website exists.
This might help. How did I feel in one stream of process regard:
Yet another black man killed by a white cop. Not surprised. But wait 1 of the other 3 cops is Asian. Well fuck. But no, that won’t change my contempt for what happened. So I am partly surprised but get that I’m not simply mad cause it’s a white cop who killed a black man, cause that literally is not the full picture unless the Asian cop does that dated-since-the-90s’-thing where the person pulls their face off but they were still doing that in that just awful mission impossible 6 and was like boomboom they were white the whole time. And then I find out that one of the killer cops people remember being mad about over the years is Latino which made me go I can’t imagine the controversy and then I’m back to like damn why this time was the Asian not smarter and then I remembered oh right coronavirus then wait monkey-trump & league of morons who run Amerikkka that’s still #1 on the World Retards scoreboard though wait here comes Brazil and then OK CHILL I’m smarter than racists and only thinking in black and white and brown and yellow stereotypes then I’m like maybe other people are too I mean all I’m hearing with the anarchy protests is that white people did it again though historically this is the larger issue that protesters who aren’t really just looking for a new TV are thinking about and then I thought do the protesters who want justice and not a new TV also know that when those buildings were once buildings before last night that some of said buildings were owned by any other pigmented-skin person. Then I think about everyone regardless where they are and what they’re doing who at the core of it are hurting from one more light that got extinguished because someone thought it was macho to enforce their sense of superiority onto someone else until that someone else is no longer able to disagree. Then I thought not just Africa but also Syria, the have-not parts of Asia, current-South America, my colleague who committed suicide half a decade ago this time of the year and whose memory I have ever since weaponized in my quest to decimate all those who I deem never gave a shit. [scrolls to top of post to write disclaimer]
I guess this is about race. And I’m never not conscious of the fact that the rac(e) in racism is poetically ironic cause there’s only one human race so hating any different-looking person is hating your own kind all the same. I write this so I can go back to actualizing the good things I want to give. I also write this cause I’m speaking to Jamz tomorrow and him reading this beforehand saves me otherwise inevitably speech-ranting it to him on skype and peripherally witnessing his expression gradually devolving to the likeness of his action figure whenever I lay my long-winded soul bare.
I write this to once again re-affirm to my own self that I am not defined by my “roots”. I can embrace the parts of my culture and background that empower my sense of self and dignity but I am not fundamentally obliged to or limited by the rest. So every time an asshole who shares my ethnicity bites a fuckin bat just to show he could or is complicit in a real American
dreanightmare my reaction shouldn’t be to facepalm on behalf of that person or wonder how I can compensate for that person losing points for my “race” on the worldwide race war scoreboard that every country won’t admit is all they’re playing. It also shouldn’t make me ashamed to be my culture and need to remind myself how rad fried rice is to move on. Which shouldn’t make me complacent to foolish pride and only acknowledging the parts I’m even vaguely connected to that are cool. Imagine being a German born in 1946 and how hard it could later be to convince people who aren’t trusting Germans around that time that you’ve no idea who this Adolf gent is. Which also brings me back to my rehabilitated reminder to not have suppressed distrust and prejudice towards people of another background just cause the all-time pieces of shit from my adolescence just conveniently happened to be largely from that background. Which connects to why I let this post go Amy Cooper-rivaling Unleashed cause bigotry is irrational and has no regard for structure or coherence. It’s spider-man 3, x-men 3, and non-Japanese anime all merged into one The-Hell-Is-This-Shit then passed through someone who’s only a famous director cause his dad bought him everything or he gives executives the most sickening blowjobs in hollywood.
I’m good. I gotta wrap this with hope. [Switches album-play to Screaming Bloody Murder]
What I wish alone could blow me away is how badass it all is Because we’re different. Instead what keeps regularly blowing my mind and I’m gonna run out of brains eventually is how unequivocally humanity screaming bloody murders itself based off the differences. And I wonder why we can’t find equality in non-politically-correct humor that emerges from crossing cultures rather than an EB games NHL fistfight.
And I gotta believe I can cause a vehemence-prone asshole like I serves as my own case study. The fact I embrace that I’m from a Chinese family and with that said my most Chinese friend is a 6’2 Greek guy who’s only ever down to go out for noodles. The fact that I have a glimmer of optimism that my other dispersed allies being Ethiopian, Filipino, Latino, or Jewish won’t have to be such a versatile lifestyle choice to the future B’s girl will grow up in. The fact that the only person in my metaphysical existence for who I’ll ever have profound feels and not feel uncomfortable admitting it can be both Caucasian and Asian. The fact that I managed to write an otherwise uncomfortable piece lengthier than at least some Dream Theater songs. It’s not like I could’ve written this as lyrics. Even Dream Theater wouldn’t take it that far. Then again whoever’s responsible for an m&m building in times square and cavemen are from the same species.