So necessary disclaimer to those who haven’t heard this 23 times already—that nothing I do or say is done with the goal of exterior attention, validation, or gratification to return to me. I convince myself that I do wanna live the most selfless life, though yeah I could totally be conning myself as a way to not feel guilty for wanting to be appreciated. If anything even this remove-myself-from-the-equation approach could be a result of self-damnation. While I’m still convinced otherwise anything I do or say is done with the hope that anyone could get anything out of it that makes their own existence less hopeless, whether it’s a relation, parallel, elaborate visual gag, perspective. So everything with this digital real estate, same thing. This is likely equivalent to a dilapidated haunted house on a well-off street. Nothing’s about me it’s all a metaphor la-di-da.
5 years ago [I started writing this yesterday so if I were anal tomorrow] today was mangoshake’s first shoot day. I promise I’m not nostalgic—at least not by my acidic definition—but I can miss… certain things. Things also = people for all the longing-surplus folks in this ghostly crowd.
Last year today [I started wri ] was day 1 shooting—both landing on May 26 a coincidence— OPEN DO O M C R E S C E N D Oset to be the most raw existential science fiction action movie[s/show] of at least people’s recent memories except will any of it matter when we’re All Dead?
Cause whether I straight up die and get wrapped up before I wrap it up seems less and less crucial as compared to it being a conduit for the final wreckage I leave behind, as far as the years before my body starts rusting go. Are you still with the can-you-relate-anything-of-yourself-to-this thing?
Being a part of movies made with duck tape and your life savings forfeited is slightly categorical as life experiences go, though would any of these experiential concepts help? A concept of wanting to give things that could help anyone but the way getting to that results in re-experiencing / coming full circle with the pain you thought you could empathetically come to terms with. And that this time it effectively feels way worse cause it’s with people you thought you’d this time find solace with. Again my fault, remember. Like way back when shooting mangoshake final battle someone pleaded something along the lines of “Why are you doing this” to which I yelled something back like “Cause I’m the worst personn.” I think out of everyone that day I still hang out with Demo.
I’m not gonna act entitled—I wouldn’t have gotten to even this pre-point without those I chose to put my trust in. I mean the ones who already know it and don’t need reminders to know they’ll never be taken for granted. Except Matias I’m kind of conditioned whether or not it’s still necessitated what’s up man.
Then there’s one or two I say two so no one feels icky who from even before you started moving towards <<your mangoshake>> who you were convinced gets you in the ways No One Else You Ever Meet Ever Again Will and that you’re con-vinced that you could do the same for them. And whether it’s cause they were making someone else feel like the most loved human being alive—although that person sent it to oblivion so their gratitude was clearly on other things but semantics—or whether they wanted to actually, you know, be their own person and actualize their own blossoming life and not be interrupted by what you think you can share and give to them hence sending it to your own custom oblivion, or that regardless what you’re convinced / con-vinced from your previous totally-not-nostalgic time with them that the stars and meteors made it meant to be, rather anyone else could easily be more likable than you. And maybe a ghetto lone wolf renegade approach to life is way less hot than I individualistically empower it to be or my pheromones are just that fucked up, or I just don’t get the appeal of a well-adjusted and postured fancy lifestyle and turtlenecks that’s just me, there I just solved my own game.
Though it was getting made before corona, that ODC now appears thematically made for a post-corona world unsettles me. Not just cause I grudgingly gotta retroactively find a unique way to make a face-masked character stand out even more in western culture shit I’m onto your next icon-fad Filmmakers. But cause yeah the themes I’m getting fed up of writing this post honestly they’ll be disseminated. If ODC parallels to reflect your own set of choices going forward, then I want it to give the quantum opus good I think it could give. I should find a dignified way to give it however it can be given before my time runs out.
Cause as the world casually shows with hatred / worldwide disharmony or nature / biology, it’s getting pretty clearer if it wasn’t already how random any of our time can run out. That or I more unlikely get swallowed by my ego and become one more hipster who uses his deep-ass art to get deep-pants laid. Either scenario especially the second cannot be a reason for me to waste a wannabe-selfless life so long as I am deathconsciousness.
Though that’s my limiter. I can give it how I can, but I won’t finish it. Not yet.
Cause if I con myself to what I think I can share and give, I send what I could actually share and give to oblivion. And I think that’s what destroys time and again what’s good in my life at least. Not anything or anyone else, just me. Cause there’s a difference with me giving so the other person can have something good, and giving cause really I want the other person.
That’s not selfless.
Don’t do drugs.
Or do them constructively.
[Scrapes palm across forehead] EeuRrghh
How do I with dignity gauge my choices. I couldn’t tell myself that, that’s partly why I’m doing this. I have no say where the stars and meteors go. Though I know what it is living with a meteor shower. These are metaphors.
And what I don’t get to truly know—as much as I wished I could—what it is as a supernova. And what blossoms out of that.
So once again, full circle-style I’m gazing up at the sky. Except this time I say nothing. Ask nothing. While I still have time I’ll stay where I stand, regardless the weather. That’s also why I welcome rain.
Despite that I refuse past the sands of time to associate with my generation, wherever gifs come from is irrelevant cause this medium when approached consciously rips.