Guess one could try. For the downer who only finds comfort in Crescendo Angst Cinevision’s empathy to unabashed depressiveness don’t worry, it never matters how giddy I appear—as morally obligated, I am very much unmovingly dying inside out.
Self-care therapy disclaimer. You can more or less skip this if you’re not conflicted about liking me at all?: because I have even less of a concept as to how people’s overall connective boundaries measure with the viral-socio-economical apocalypse, would individuals actually find comfort in reading from this neuro-divergent stranger on a semi-consistent basis or is the thou-repulse-je threshold way lower cause there are now even more than enough things to put up with in your life? I can only gauge how overbearing I think I get, but I guess all you would do is click unsubscribe at the bottom of the emails. Anyway I know at least 6 of you actively read this, though 2 of them I’m not sure if cause they feel obligated, out of the 2 one of them cause they’re convinced I’m straight up autistic so they’ll like burn in Hell if they don’t support me Mat you deny and yet I don’t beeleeve you either way if you vehemently ignore these I win anyway cause it just fuels my martyrdom of aloneness. Really peace to everyone who’s not evil. I can be so self-destructive.
So I was in a giddier mood—actually jittery from waking at 3:20 a.m.—but yeah I made the relieved mistake of starting this to Nothing the band and even if the first LP and EP are more major scale, well I’m back at LP2 so hey back so soon defaulterry. Who here’s been evaluating their life priorities? Man I know I’ve already spun this, but I haven’t done a review from the beginning letters I only sent to those who really matter to me, at least if you got all of them so don’t feel special if you got only some. Except Sermed, Phil, Reggie, Kat, cause we’re far between shoutouts so I can’t at all gauge your space. Also Helene but that’s cause it would’ve been too random.
I know part of evaluating is a reaction to maybe feeling limited. If you can’t see others in person, nostalgia or simply remembering certain people exist is a rational response. We’re social beings and we don’t wanna die alone yes yeah, no matter how cool we think it sounds otherwise. I admit that I try to attain some abstraction of cool in defying the necessity of not dying alone, but I’m also admitting that it’s a built-in response to actively living with the fatalism of dying alone.
And I think [I’m gonna limit writing [I think] cause that’s a given also editing] there shouldn’t be guilt in finding “happiness” or as Sermed also once preferably put it contentment* in unequivocally horrible periods. Thriving in or less-high-stakes getting something good out of a bad time doesn’t mean you took advantage of everyone who didn’t make it.
I thin it just gives you another reason to be grateful for what’s good in your life. Without making you complacent and stopping you from reaching further either.
I think it’ll work out for some; they’ll come out of the disease and hate with a pony [their dad didn’t have to buy it, they could find it in a lonely forest] or you realize someone who you stopped talking to is really the only person who could ever get you the most ever and when enough relapse time has past you won’t go “oh right that’s, that’s why I stopped talking to them..” So if you are proverbially……the..pony..or the one praying to Lucifer on one side of a rekindled bond, please believe me—I’m praying for you. At least the parts of me that aren’t myself bracing for the worst and the other side’s better judgment. I wouldn’t be a pony though. But is that hot? I’m neuro-divergent but plain-ass hetero so I can’t gauge from a have-hots-for-guys POV. I’m not self-entitled enough to say dragon so I’ll go with lean-enough rock golem.
Hope you’re ok.