Never

I’m still feeling the rougher-than-average existential dread episode of yesterday over what would happen to me after ODC was done. Or the thought of even one thing going catastrophic in my personal life being enough to upend the path I’m on. Whether I get into a car accident or the car itself decides to stop working and then I can’t do all the things in everyday life that necessitate driving like everywhere I drive Mom or seniors and the community, or if the house crumbles cause it’s super old, and we’re still dealing with my super dead dad’s debt, and once again I’m made to question if anything at all career-wise will blossom in time to save future-I, my mom, my stray cat.

Even tender moments are fragile to appreciate.

But that’s where I again repeat what my first psychiatrist said…

Let the good be good.

I still ride the momentum and hype from my time with you in NYC. I hold close this courage you’ve all given me; through the dread of the future I’ve come back to in this pot(shit)hole town montreal, and through the latter leg of this suck-it-world tour.

During this now urban legendary and most iconic q&a that only NYCers could’ve given, we did it hot seat-style for maximum bonding. We discussed Spider-Man 3 as avant-garde and the death of superheroes iconically wearing their masks. We talked no-budget defiant world-building. We talked filming completely outdoors as protest against film lighting. We talked magic mushroom time-capsule reviewing.

I’ve found more belief in that the art I give can last enough in people’s hearts to do its part in a kinder, more empathetic world, no matter how local.

I need to not freak out at what will happen to me when this tour and the release is over, or let the trauma of regular life cancel the transcendent resonance that this singular climactic window of my artistic life has been giving and continues to give.

I won’t forgive myself if I can’t even be present while I get to do this.

I’m still here. We’re still going.